WHY ME

WHY ME
Struggle Street

Warning: Grab a coffee…you are going to need to sit and take this one in.

I know you feel like life is a struggle right now, in so many ways, but the truth is (with love I say) you are causing your own struggle right now.

Before you start with telling me ‘No I’m not’ hear me out.

A long long time ago (actually even just 10 minutes ago) I was in struggle street…in my mind, my life – believing I was a failure, believing the world had it out for me and thinking that I wasn’t good enough.

For being the person I wanted to become and also for living the life I really wanted to live.

I catch myself daily going into my head, feeling the pain and struggle and fearing the worst possible scenario.

This used to control me, consume me…but now I catch myself, correct myself in a minuscule second so as not to buy into the fear of life and living.

The fear of death, the fear of losing, the fear of failure is enough to stop us from taking action on our life’s goals and dreams and I don’t care who you are, what walk of life you come from, every single person on the planet will by lying through their teeth if they were to sit there and tell you they don’t have fears.

Richard Branson, Oprah Winfrey, PINK and whomever else you want to bring into the mix.

Every person has fears because they are HUMAN.

We are born with innate safety mechanisms.
We are born with warning beacons.
We are born knowing what is good and bad for us individually.

Add in everyone else’s beliefs and opinions and this make’s your head confused, jumbled and leaves you with so many doubts and uncertainties in your life.

This is because we are all different and we have all come to earth with our own set of DNA, our own agenda, our own senses.

Closing yourself off from the world won’t fix the struggles you are going through, it will only make it worse.

This is because we are meant to connect with other humans, we are meant to have interactions…this is life.

We begin to feel disconnected, unworthy, if we do not have a connection with anyone else…human connection, the human touch is paramount to our existence as humans.

Everything falls down when you disconnect, along with everything falling down when you believe everyone else’s beliefs and opinions on life, relationships, career, money…whatever.

You start to notice this more and more when life takes a massive shift and drives you to start feeling hopeless, that the struggle of maintaining your own life and world is just so much that you decide life isn’t worth living any more.

Where you wake up with anxiety, have constant aches and pains, migraines, sweaty palms or just have the constant rhyme of words circling you in your mind saying…

I can’t do that…ugh.
She has had more experience than me and look how much better she is doing, I can’t do that so why bother.
I am so damn broken.
Why should I fucking bother?
You know, you are the biggest fool on the planet.
Haha, and to think for a second I thought I could do that…yeah good luck bitch.
Of course, she can because look at her…she is gorgeous and I am a fat disgusting ugly lump.
I can’t do it.

Every single day…

EVERY SINGLE FLIPPING DAY…

I have these exact thoughts going on in my head but I decided to stop letting them control me and catch them as soon as I can to direct my thoughts away from that mentality.

I used to play the victim, believe the bullshit and live without a fucking care in the world for my life or others around me because I was so wrapped up in my own shit I couldn’t see the positivity, the actual living breathing heartbeats of life surrounding me.

I was a hurtful bitch.
Words did use to cut like a knife.
I was a terrible friend.
Terrible mother.
Terrible partner.
I was petrified of failing so I accepted myself as the failure.

Deep down in my heart I knew I wasn’t but I thought if I showed the world that I cared about myself that people would only hurt me more and its easier to get hit more and more when you are already flat on the ground…because if you are already hurting another punch you can’t actually feel.

Easier to punch myself into the ground…saving someone else from doing it to me if I do it myself.

I was a scared little girl, that just wanted to be loved, respected, valued and held.

I wanted to feel love. I wanted to know what happiness was. I wanted to experience life, joy, success.

I refused to be touched in any intimate way because my tears would well up in my eyes refusing for my partner to see the feelings inside of me for fear of being ridiculed.

The times I allowed myself to be touched was in more of a sexual way where I would close off my intimacy and pretend I was in some alternate reality so I wouldn’t feel.

I refused to believe the compliments I received so brushed them off because I thought they were only saying it to get something from me.

I refused to feel any damn thing in case I got hurt.

I never trusted myself.

I always knew things, at times I knew I could just tune-in on a whim and be able to tell if something felt off and then I brushed it off because I again thought in my head ‘How the fuck would you know?!?’

Then the thoughts would appear to me saying…how can you deal with anyone else’s emotions if you can’t even deal with your own.

So I pushed everyone away…with my words, with my actions and to be honest I acted like I didn’t even care for them which was the farthest of the truth.

In some fucked up way in my mind, I thought I was projecting myself as being powerful, making a statement.

Yeah, I was making a statement alright…of what a fucked up victim who wasn’t dealing with her shit looked like.

Instead of actually facing myself and allowing myself to accept who I am. Instead of actually allowing myself to see and feel the things I truly wanted to. Instead of being both honest with myself and others regardless of the outcome.

Because in my heart my truth is my truth, my ‘knowing’ cannot be altered by anyone even me…because this is my intuition, my soul, the messenger from my spirit that is connected to all that is.

My intuition, my psyche is more accurate, more powerful than any thought I can construct.

The more you decide to tune-in to your soul, know yourself, accept yourself, allow yourself to connect emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually to anyone or anything and allow yourself to feel and heal…you start to see the YOU that you KNOW you are and the life you just KNOW you are meant to be living.

If you stay cycling in your head you are not living.
If you stay in struggle street in your mind you are not living.
If you stay in the mentality that life is shit then your life will be shit.

If you stay believing that bullshit you keep telling yourself instead of giving yourself permission to learn, to grow and to experience…you will never truly LIVE.

You will live a lie. You will never experience true joy or happiness. You will never have fulfilling relationships. Success will fail you.

IT IS YOUR CHOICE.

You can stay on the roundabout of sacrificial bullshit that isn’t serving you, that is stopping you from feeling anything that comes from love.

OR…

You can decide to change it.

If you feel like you are in a boat of fear and anxiety out in the middle of the ocean.

First…you must move the boat to the shore, then you have to decide to get off, then you have to trust enough in yourself to both honour yourself and allow yourself to experience…one step at a time.

Your intuition, your heart, your spirit and soul know the truth and they know what is right for you but you have to stop swimming in your own shit long enough to be able to go there.

I know what I choose…but what do you choose?

What are you prepared to do to get off the FEAR BOAT?

Lysa xo

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